After my daughter was born, I expected some changes — who doesn’t? But even as I settled into the new rhythm of life with a baby, soaking up the overwhelming joy of being a new mom, something inside me didn’t feel right.
I had lost weight during pregnancy. Not just a little — enough that it set off alarms in my own head. Despite eating well and staying fairly active, I left the hospital eight kilos lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight. Every time I brought it up, doctors and nurses brushed it off.
"The baby’s growing fine," they said. "You’ll bounce back." But I wasn’t bouncing. I was sinking. I was diagnosed with anemia and told it was normal for new mothers. I was advised to take iron supplements and rest when I could. So I did — or at least, I tried.
For almost a year, I stayed home raising my daughter. We weren’t in a rush, but since I wasn’t working and we had always dreamed of having kids close in age, it felt like the right time to try for another baby. I pictured my little girl with a sibling, and the thought filled me with joy.
But now, looking back, I see how these two paragraphs don’t even belong next to each other. Knowing what I know now, it’s obvious: I was in terrible shape. And still, I thought it was a good idea to create another tiny, time-consuming, energy-demanding, boob-devouring creature — before I had even gotten myself back.
The deeper truth is that I had been struggling for years before this. Even before pregnancy, I had spent so much time and energy trying to fix my health. I went to countless doctors, always looking for answers. But over and over again, I got the same looks — the ones that said, “What do you want me to do?” Their next suggestion was always the same: "Maybe you just need to calm down." There was always a tint of shame in those moments.
Eventually, I gave in and told myself: "They’re probably right. Maybe I am just looking for attention." So I learned to live with my less-than-perfect body — sluggish, depressed, exhausted. I told myself I had simply been through too many hard things in life. I stopped asking for help. I stopped looking for root causes. I focused on managing the symptoms as best I could.
And in that mindset, I decided it was time to bring a new baby into the world and just keep surviving.